Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
