This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
