I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
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The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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