I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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