she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
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My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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