I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.