I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
