I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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