i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
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We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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