..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
