You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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