I think I won the penis lottery.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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