That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.