If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?