where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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