So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
third nipple confirmed
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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