What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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