Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Having a random hookup so left but love u
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
