I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this boner is exhausting
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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