The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
