so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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