wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize