Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
