Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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