Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
