i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
