put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions