Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.