glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
zippers are such a cool invention
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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