She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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