my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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