So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
