never play flip cup with pint glasses
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
