im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
