So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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