I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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