then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
