you told grandpa to call you daddy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.