Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.