NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
