Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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