Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
