Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT