I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?