Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in