god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector