my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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