Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....