I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.