im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other