Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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