My liver just broke up with me...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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