i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
