His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
