Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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