I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
