So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
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They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that